7 Reasons Why Lindsay Lohan Sucks

By Ian C Coverdale, satirist - January 16, 2007

Hmm? Sorry, I was napping there. Well - Lindsay Lohan where to begin.

Uhhhhh. Ummmm.While not as vile as some of her young Hollywood cohorts like Paris Hilton or, Britney Spears, Lindsay is still worthy of a short hit list of annoying characteristics and personality defects compiled in her honor.

If you have a crush on Ms. Lohan or something, and you really can't stand the idea of her faults being pointed out and laughed at in a list, go away.

In the photo to the right we see Lindsay sporting a small, firm scrote on her chin, I expect it to grow quickly in the next few year, and become quite hairy.

On with the bitching and truth slinging!

Lindsay Lohan's Suck List

1. Poor work ethic combined with respect issues. She was recently publicly called out for being skipping work and costing a production mucho dinero. The producer sent her (and the world) a letter calling her spoiled and inconsiderate, among other things. Respect your elders young lady!

2. Crashing nice cars. It's a good thing you are driving those fast, expensive German convertibles you like to break in L.. and not at high speed on the Autobahn, or you'd be playing the lead role of Leatherface or Freddy Krueger in real life. Stop breaking expensive stuff!

3. The whole party animal thing. Go to real parties, not tacky clubs full of greasy glitterati, coke heads, wanna-be's and paparazzi. I know you're an attention whore, but jeeze. Drink some wine and watch a DVD with the girls, maybe have a pillow-fight or something. Like, whatever!

4. The spat with Hillary Duff. You both suck at acting and singing! Why argue over who sucks more when you both loose anyway? C'mon!

5. Barely being able to act, yet getting into recording music. OK, I'll grant that Ms. Lohan has all the required talent it takes to entertain a ten year old American girl in the cinema for an hour (barely), but what's with the crappy songs and bad videos? I guess if you can make money doing one thing fairly poorly, why not another? Maybe she's smarter than she looks...nah!

6. Bad dancing. Careful! Semi attractive girls are supposed to be able to dance, and you can't! I can only imagine how badly Lindsay Lohan dances when she's been out partying with the girls, then again, maybe she was wasted when she's dancing in her videos. Spare us the wiggling around please!

7. The family crap in your other bad video. Much like the deeply appalling Madonna video "Papa Don't Preach" (I swear Madonna is a Man dude, or a Dude man)- Lindsay also has a crap video about family problems and arguing with her Dad etc. It's like a gross trainwreck. Take a cue from Cindy Lauper in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" - make your Dad Captain Lou Albano or something and get some brightly colored, tacky skirts and wear them all at once like a rodeo clown, or don't do it at all. Blech!

8. Skanque. Hanging out with skanky girls and acting slutty makes you an official member of the skank club, congrats!

9. Always being on your cellphone. Maybe it's just the photos I've seen, but do you ever put that thing down? Who the hell is on the other end of the phone, and are they as annoying as you?

10. Cheezy sunglasses. So your shades aren't as gross as Nicole rail-thin-slut Richies are, but what's with the snotty, crap looking shades all the time- stop it! Dumb people are emulating your ditzy style!

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Next - Madonna Sucks! or go back to the Suck List


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Ian Coverdale is has been contributing humor to the world wide web since the time before people were colonizing Uranus.


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